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01:04am 13/10/2003
there comes a time in every girl's life when she grows up. today is not that time. hahaha. what did ur mother tell you about sticking things up your nose? or other people's noses for that matter? things are bound to get stuck. hahaha. note to self: hide all chocolate morsels. hhahahaha.

surprisingly, i was not hungover today. i'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing. good cuz, well, i was lit last night. and bad cuz that means i'm building up my tolerance again. wait, did i say 'bad'?? no not at all...hehe. today was a fairly decent day at work. uneventful for the most part. came home, and judi and i made some mad good hella tasty food. not quite like lola's, but it was some good shit if i do say so myself. by the way, we are NEVER and i repeat, NEVER going camping. ever. and we are never going to west virginia, or pass through west virginia. ever.

so after two completely horrific, but quite good, movies, the fun just kept on rolling. hahha. and the galavanting begun! some prime photo ops, a lil peepin' tom action, some voss guzzling... "uhm, bill..? it takes like water. yeah, cuz it's only water, right? yeah..." oh my god, creepy thought of the day >> old ass guy going showing up for a booty call!!!! hhahahaa. it was like we were being downgraded to a motel 6 for the night. hahahhhaa.

today's sunday, right? yeah that's what i thought. just making sure i got my days correct. uh huh. yeah. and how many threats did i get from judi in the course of a few hours??? uhm, several! "i'm gonna hit u with this eggplant" - "i'm gonna burn you with this cigarette" - "i'm gonna throw u over the edge". i'm scurred for my life herre. she's very convincing. hhahaa. especially with that crazy look in her eye. all i'm asking for is a little proof, then i am believening to you. i phromise. just a little bit. [wiggle it]

speaking of wiggling...there was a whole lot of that goin on last night! yo it was hot as balls up in the five. but it was poppin! saw mista marlon and ran into mike c. the rest of the guys weren't there. woulda been nice to see them, but i have no doubt i'll run into them eventually. it's funny how i'm always running into someone i know whenever we're out. random heads too. always a nice treat. ::smile:: anyhow, so starts yet another go at sobriety. well, until the weekend comes again. hehehe. doesn't take much to get me back in the swing of things, huh? yeah, i'm back. and it feels damn good too. not gonna let something like what did, happen again and affect me so much. too much to lose, with not enough to gain.

i say that now. but that remains to be seen. i could very well be proven wrong. i hope i am.
and i hope you're right, dai.

and with that having been said, i'm off to bed. magandang gabi

mood: energeticenergetic
music: Lil Jon - Get Low
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(no subject)  
11:24pm 06/10/2003
round and round i go.
where i'll stop you know.

finally, a moment of peace. no running around to do. no places to go, people to see. still a few things to do, but they can wait. well, at least until times up on the dryer. ::sigh:: i just feel like there's never enough time. no time for what i need to get done. no time for what i want to get done. no time for me. gotta make a conscious effort to make time. it's imperative. i'm really feeling the effects of the lack of time for myself. it's driving me crazy. i really need to take time out of each day for me...shoot a few hoops, read a couple chapters, start writing in this journal again. just something.

anyhow, no real news to report on. just been workin really. haven't really gone out since tdog. prolly go out this weekend. marlon's been wantin to meet up on the weekend. and i think carla's off on sat night. hopefully she hasn't made plans yet. i could go for a night out - the usual. i gotta open on sunday, but maybe i could switch. i'd rather not have to work with a hangover. i'm a bit out of practice from going to work after a night of debauchery. lolz. but i'm sure i'll be back in the swing of things in no time. ::wink:: hmmm what to wear, what to wear... lolz. it's only monday i'm thinkin about saturday night. hmm, must be feelin like my old self again! it's about time. been long enough, ya know? i dunno why i stopped in the first place. oh wait, yeah i do. stupid stupid me. hahaha. thank god that's over. lolz. it's funny how the tables have turned and the winds have changed to what they are now. who woulda thunk?? definitely not me. can't say that i'm not surprised. well, i am a little. the pessimist in me is still here. it'll go away in time. still need a little convincing ya know?

blah blah blah. anyone else here the mindless chatter of incoherent blabber? yeah me too. guess that's my cue to shut the fuck up. i'm tired. i'm hungry. and i got laundry to fold. and i got phone calls to make.
i bid you adieu.

catch ya on da flipside.

mood: flirtyflirty
music: 3 Doors Down - Without You
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why doesn't this seat have a seatbelt??!?!  
02:06am 15/09/2003
holy connections batman! lolz. yeah, an actual internet connection. this place sux ass. but it's only temporary so izz all goods! ya kno?!

so yeah, pretty busy past few days. twerkin, storin, chillaxin - same old, same old. but quite eventful as always. finally got the go ahead to start my shift lead training. ::cheesin:: that's wassup yo. it's what i shoulda started out from at the beginning but it's aite. i understand the whole "gotta prove myself" shiet. and obviously that wasn't that hard. don't really think i'll move up any further - it's not worth my time. school is the next priority. i just needed that extra loot to get it going. not that the pay as an assistant wouldn't be helpful - i just don't know if i want to commit that much time and effort into it and be a fulltime student at the same time. but it would be more money...hrm... well, for now, this is a good start. we'll see what the future may bring...

so we woke up today and what did we see? rain rain and more rain. i didn't know we had a rainy season!! lolz. but it stopped momentarily. i had one single ray of hope and tried to convince everyone else to go to Six Flags anyways. good decision!! got up there and walked up to every single roller coaster and ride we wanted. that's the hot shit right there. there was no one there. no people = no lines. we did all the major coasters in less than 2 hours. lolz. judi and i got small balls - green/black and pink/black. these would later prove to be tools in unknowingly luring old skeezy men to offer to buy us stuff from the "beer store". ewwwwww. so yeah, great adventure was .... great. hehe. quick stop at the outlets after pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. then a nice peaceful half hour nap on the way home.

and fun didn't end there. hahahah. cooked some adobo goodness for dindin. and then the video game battles ensued. brandonio and "gary" came by. good old gary. ok, well we had our fix of him for awhile. lolz. i guess he's not salty anymore about that time we didn't go to see his new place and went to hang out at devon's instead... hehe yeah..whoops. all in all, the day turned out to be a good one. we found the elusive endangered pink floozy, we rode the rides, judai found her chi in many a place, bill showed his strength to the world and rye gave a lonely carousel horse some much needed lovin. mission completed!

...and things are playing out just as we had predicted. we are psychic! lolz. nah, just smarter than the average male. heh. and you know, 3:34 am may as well be 3:18. i was awake! really! lolz. see, it's all part of my master plan. only i know how it all plays out. i meant to be asleep at 3:30 when i said i'd be awake. believe me when i tell you this. i knew what i was doing. hahaha. got it all in the noggin'. next order of business >> the visitation. lolz. sounds like the stations of the cross. oh goodness. we'll see...we'll see. that's a decent chunk of change right there. is it worth it? lemme work it. put my thing down, flip it and reverse it. my angle is, it's more like an investment. is it worth it? we know how fickle other parties can be. and for me to front that kind of loot....it better be damn straight worth my time and effort. hrmmm....i dunno gotta really think this one thru. but as we all know, i'm a gangsta sucka (doin the brokin sprinkler), so i'll do it anyway. hhahaha. everyone should be schooled in the ways of the gangsta sucka. hahaha. he's my hero. and my kuya. hahahahaa. nah but for serious tho, i know i'll do it anyways, so what am i talking about here?? jack shit yo. ...just having some second thoughts before i commit myself to something i'm not really 100% about. silly me.

::yawn:: i'm kind ob tired. yeah...and i gotta open tomorrow with the fantabulous kurt. at least i have 2moyo night off. i'll for-go sleep till then. booya.

sidenote: pink floozy's are scary. so are unibrows. and extremely sweaty boys. and we mean SWEAT-TY!!

goodnight sports fans!

mood: giddygiddy
music: Milli Vanilli - Blame it On the Rain
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i can run but i can't hide  
03:00am 09/09/2003
e.a.g.l.e.s. suck! lolz. but that's the birds for ya. anyways...dinner was scrumptatious. caldaretta ...mmmmm...!! yeah that's right...i cooked. lolz. and we all survived. that's a tic in the win column. hehe. pionono for dessert - i don't think there's anymore left...gee i wonder why... lolz.

gelato's my friend. it's soooo gooood. yeah. almost as good as the basco brothers. and that's some hot goodness right there. that is the new hotness. times four!

so all of this introspection...makes me ask the question, who do i think i am? coconut, crispy pata, or puti as vinegar.... i don't want to deny my culture and what it means to be, but at the same time, i have to understand that i do live in america. i was brought up here, in a society that claims diversity and love for all, but in the same breath, looks down upon anything apart from the norm. a quite puzzling oxymoron, huh? no doubt. it's amazing the effect one breakthru movie can have on a culture...it gets all kinds of things going on in your head.

[better to be toasted coconut than a sliced blanched almond]

sakit ng aking puso naman. bakit daw? casi, alam mo... ang dito siya, sa isip ko...
actually, not so much in the past few days. ok, i'm lying yes. there are things that make me remember....force my mind to drift... soon my questions and wondering will not be answered, but at least addressed. yup yup yup. ::blink:: [space] ::blink::
LMAO. judes ur a trip. too too funny. funny looking that is. hehe. but she's special in an olympic kind of way, u kno? lolz. shhhhh...she doesn't. hahhaa.

but yeah, i do believe all will find it's way in time. but only then will my heart and mind be at total ease. it's like a freakin roller coaster all the time. if i sit and think about one thing, my heart starts racing and my mind starts going on all sorts of tangents. if i sit and think about the other, my head starts to hurt and my heart tears in all sorts of ways. where are the answers? where do i even begin to look? is all well once i have the answers?
"are you the gate-keeper? cuz i'm the keymaster"
no but seriously yo... maybe i push too much on myself with this questions. maybe they don't really have to be answered. maybe it's better if i just let things take their course. let things happen as they may...just let things be so as not to cause a comotion.

but NO. i can't. why? because that's the easy way out. a COP OUT. if i do that, i may as well just run away like a little girl and hope it all just goes away. but it doesn't and it won't. running away solves nothing. it just enables more running and less maturing. less responsibility. what does that show if i run? that i'm immmature for one. second, i can't handle what's before me and the things that come along with life. basically, it shows an ineptatude, an incompetance. third, it shows weakness. not that it's bad to show weakness, for everyone is weak in some way. but it takes a strong person to handle the responsibilites of being an adult. all three things i mentioned go hand in hand. some very key things in the game of life. i never claimed to be the most mature, competent, or strongest... but i know i'm prepared to face whatever life is throwing at me. running solves nothing. i should know. how many times have i thought about moving across the country to cali? too many to count. but i could never bring myself to do it. i could never be that much of a coward. and the thought has crossed my mind about walking away from all of this. it would be so much easier. but i can't. i've run so many times from things i thought i couldn't face...from the things that scared me...there were so many... in retrospect, i see how wrong and stupid that was.
the voice of an elder >> "...if i knew then what i know now..."
yeah, we've all heard it before. heh.

i don't know if i will find all of the answers i'm looking for. and the possibility that i won't scares the shit out of me. because i'm not prepared for what follows... but i'm willing to try to work it out, to try and find a solution.... and that in itself is honorable. i am giving it a fair chance. i'm not running this time. i'm staying, even if it is for naught...to a bitter end.

and that goes for the other thing too. that may not be the best decision on my part - i'll be the first to admit, but it's worth a shot i think. my own stubborness won't let me run from that. there's so much uncertainty and no guarantee, but i'll take the chance. here's a second one...it's up to you what you do with it...

deep like the ocean and shit. heh. seems to be the theme lately. but i'm quite enjoying the conversating that's come of this. it's good to have some brain food...make the mind work every now and then. because there's actually life other than like, the mall, cosmo and next week's episode of friends. yeah, like, omigawd!

scary thought, but it's true. oh, props has to go out to Boo-Boo for the his off the hook stylins >>
"u got the good game and shit..."
"run that shit like diarhhea yo"
hhahahaha. always count on kuya for some choice words of wisdom. hahhaa.

::yawn:: i'm down for the count my friends. adieu.

still don't eat the chocolate meat. and no, you can't use the wooden spoon and fork. ::wink::

mood: cheerfulcheerful
music: Mariah Carey - My All
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isn't love enough?  
11:40am 04/09/2003
that was actually last night's entry, but internet was all sorts of fucked up so yeah. ::yawn:: mornin shawdy. what's crackin? i talked to Devon last night. i do feel bad for him. and i guess he knows he made a kind of rash decision. but what can he do but move forward? kinda goes with what i said last night. u make a choice or a decision sometimes not knowing where it will end up. and if it doesn't work, you just deal with it and move on. so yeah. we talked for a bit. then we thought it best if he actually did some work at work. nah, forreal?!?! lolz.

anyways. it's kinda funny that we did talk last night. lately, i've been thinking about what happened and if i'm truly over it all. there will always be part of me that wishes things had gone differently. but it didn't. after i talked to him, i realized that it doesn't even matter anymore. he's still just devon the buttwipe. hehe. i know he feels just as bad as i do. but it's all gravy. it's all about learning from experience right? and movin on to the next step.

all this talk about the next step. so what is it?? i dunno! we'll find out! hahaha. nah, just playin. i don't really know exactly. but it's the makings of a next step. a baby step, if you will. operative word being "baby" step. it's a small step in the right direction. so anyways, we get into a conversation at friendly's last night about theology. and what religion really is....and if there is a god. and if miracles really happen. all kinds of theological stuff. which eventually came around to our own beliefs and how we plan to pass that on. that opened a whole new can of worms. that's future kind of talk. like marriage and children, ya know? but it was serious. he said when he was on vaca, his mom asked about us. he said we were serious. and she asked about what we would later...have we decided. he didn't have an snswer for her.she's very concerned about that, just as everyone else is. it's a problem no doubt. one that must be addressed. so we must find a solution.

it's kind of scary looking at your future like that. like, we were talking way past marriage. but before we can even think marriage, we have to look past it to when we will have children. and for being 22, it's scary as hell. but at the same time, it's a good feeling knowing that we're at the point when we can look that far. it shows me where he is in his head. but although it's a small step, it's the hardest step of all. we both feel very strongly about our religions. at the same time, there is no meeting in the middle. i mean, we're at complete opposite ends when it comes to our beliefs. how do you come to a happy medium where nothing is lost from the meaning of either?

is it even possible? we have to find a solution. if not....i don't even want to say it... but if we can't find a solution, this may never happen. i know we joke about jesus and what not, but that's just jokes. i believe in jesus and tha he is the son of god. bill doesn't. it's not possible for either of us to just drop our beliefs and think otherwise. so what is the answer? is there one?

all of the other decisions and choices are gravy compared to this. the ring, the dress, all the details....a picnic. but like i said, i can't decide any of that without overcoming the biggest obstacle of all.

but it's possible. i mean there are interfaith relationships and marriages out there. sucessful ones. so it is possible. no one ever said easy. just possible.

you know, we never thought about any of this when we were in highschool. all we knew was that we loved each other. and really that's all that should have mattered. but then somewhere along the line we started to grow up and really see things for what they are.

so i guess the question isn't really what is the next step. we know what it is. we just don't know if it's possible. is it worth the effort? rewind to the '97 yearbook entry. "love is all we need". i'm tryin my best to believe.

so yeah...that's what's been up lately. newly developed. didn't think we were at that point, but he's already there. not that that's a bad thing. just a bit surprising since it is bill. whodathunk?

well i'm outz for now. gotta rest up. gots inventory 2nite. yes, again. i'm an inventory machine. ...all i hear is beeping.... hehe.

peace out yo.

mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: Dru Hill - Beauty
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life's a question that never ends  
11:30am 04/09/2003
part of growing up and going thru life is trying to figure out your purpose, your path - what's meant to be for you. it's simple when you're younger. it's a an easy vision when you first start out. you think you know exactly where your headed and what will happen. everything is planned to the tee. i'm not sure if it's a disillusion, a misconception or just plain naivity. but there are things you can never account for or plan for - they just happen. these are the things that make life happen. all of a sudden you're led astray from your path, forced to pave a new one. it's life's unpredictability that make it interesting. it also confuses the hell outta me.

have you ever taken a chance with something? changed your whole life on whim? just to try it and see if it work? it's a high probability that chances aren't in your favor. it's never a true 50/50 chance. but hey, why the hell not, right? so what are you to do when things don't go quite as well as planned?

i've been thinking about where my life would be, where i would be, had i made certain choices. if i had followed the path set forth for me. if i had done what was expected of me. certain aspects would be better, but not all. other people would be happy, but would i? honestly? i can't say because i don't know. i am in no means unhappy with where my life is. i don't have the right to be. because i control my life and i make my own choices. so wherever i am right now is of my own doing. i don't have any regrets. i know there were things i should have done differently. my only concern is what the next step is. jersey's been good to me. i'm not ready to leave. i have no reason to. everything i love and cherish is here. what a surprise - there's life outside of cherry hill! ::gasp:: haha. remember when all we knew was the Hill? and our entire lives happened in and revolved around cherry hill? what the hell were we thinking?? hahha. god, it seems like forever since we were kids and that was our lives. playdrome and richmonds and the mall. hahha. but we always knew there was more out there and we would all leave at some point.

and we all have. the crew has parted and gone their own ways. but it's such a fuckin blast when we all come home and get back together. i guess i really haven't gone all that far at all. maybe not far enough for my own liking. i used to think i'd be out in cali someday. and maybe i will who knows. but for now, this is my home. heh. funny...i called this my home. it's taken awhile for me to accept it as such. but it's grown on me.

so is this where i belong? where i'm meant to be? and i don't mean cherry hill for the rest of my life. not at all. i mean at this point in time, where i am with my life. what's next? what do i want, i think, is the real question. rewind to a few months ago and i had no clue. my mind was going a million different ways. what do i want? that's the great thing about life, you have the power to decide what is next for you. or at least what you want next. take the necessary steps in that direction, and you're that much closer to where you want to be. there will always be setbacks. things are never perfect.

so i guess what i'm getting at is yes, i have found a direction. i see what is in the future for me. it won't be easy. but when have i ever not done anything the hard way? :wink: heh. one conversation over ice cream and here i am, ready to move forward with this and do whatever it takes to get to where i want to be. ::smile::

ciggy break.

mood: happyhappy
music: Extreme - More Than Words
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where has the time gone?  
04:20am 29/08/2003
holy shit, so that's what my place looks like.....first time back in a week. spent the whole weekend and week workin in dirty souf, jeru, that is. haha. well, not all week...just about. had tuesday and most of wednesday off. don't quite recall tuesday.....oh yeah! day in the city. again. haha. just can't get enuff. ate some pho, got my hairr did, shopped on walnut st, and went to POMADORA!! haha. ventured back across the bridge and went to don pablos to celebrate rj's new car! yay! "if you can read this, i'm not in my element". how cute! lolz. fast forward to wednesday >> six flags. aww geez. the day was full of surprises. "so kris, yeah...so dave's comin to pick you up...on his bike...in half an hour." i shall refrain from comment at the present juncture. so we get there, kurt's not there yet so we wait in the parking lot. meanwhile, in yonder distance, (pretend there's a distance yonder), a storm is brewing. and it doesn't appear to be one of the happy sort, if such a storm exists. so as we high-tail out of the parking lot, in search of shelter, it starts to pour. thankfully, we reached an overpass and were able to chill underneath until the storm passed. kurt and company were happily dry in DAVE'S truck. lolz. but just as quickly as it came, the storm passed and it was sunny and gorgeous. so we go back in and meet up with everyone. being the little kids that we all are, we were drawn to the sound of mister softee, only to be had by a bootleg mister softee. lolz. but dippin dots did the trick. superman was crazy as hell. not anywhere near as good as nitro, but it was definitely worth the TWO HOUR WAIT. son of a....

anyways yeah. barring any major setbacks, wednesday was pretty good. thankfully i made it home in one piece with all fingers, toes, appendages, eyes, etc. and i do mean thankfully. there were a few moments i wasn't too sure about.

so yeah, that's my oh so exciting life apart from work. work is goin alright. hours are crazy as hell, but it's loot. and i can't say no to loot. so as much as it pains me and frustrates me to have to work so much, i can't really complain. and i don't. it's not so bad of a job and it pays the bills. dolla dolla bill ya'll. c.r.e.a.m.

haven't really talked to the fam lately. then again, haven't talked to much of anyone apart from present company. haven't really had the time...or the energy. i'm thinkin that saturday night will be a carla and kris night. and that's carla with a "k" and kris with a "c". lolz. fiendin for a night out. and dammit i deserve it. saturday was supposed to be "our day", mine and bill's. he wanted me to take off. for what tho? he hasn't made any plans at all. wait, no, he has made one. we're going to get his stereo tweaked. oooooh fun. hold me back. dunno if i can handle all that. :sigh: we'll see. i may have to cut the day in half. day with him and night with carlita and camille. that sounds good.


mood: amusedamused
music: WuTang - C.R.E.A.M.
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burning questions...  
11:47pm 02/08/2003
as it seems, we've all had alot on our minds lately...some good, some bad, and some absolutely pointless thoughts. where has mine been? all sorts of places. today i was in the car thinking about destiny and fate. judes and i were watching serendipity the other day. we caught it halfway thru. is there such thing as destiny and fate? does it truly exist? i do believe that things happen for a reason, but is there a set path of occurence for everyone? i do believe that certain people are brought into your life for a reason. but sometimes that reason isn't clear. and i don't believe in soul mates. i do believe they exist, but i don't think that there's only one for every person. it is possible to feel that eternal connection with more than one person. u can have a soulmate, but he's not necessarily the one for you. i neglect to say "true love" for the simple reason that i don't believe in true love. true love is a pure love, free of corruption, free of manipulation, free of anything less than perfect. now how many people have that relationship or are capable of having one? no one. because no one is perfect. so in actuality, true love doesn't exist. real love does. and that, i believe in. so where does this random thought of mine originate? i'm not quite sure. i've just been thinking about my relationships. and why of the several "hookups" and "talking to's", there's only four that i've truly felt something for. something greater than just a flutter. and of that four, it's only possible for me to be with one of them. so why the other three? if we're supposed to have that "one", why were the other three in my life? to show me what i want and can't have? the only one i can figure out is harry. there was something so perfect - everything i want in my life someday. operative word: someday. he was brought in my life to show me what i want later in life and what i'm capable of having. it sucks that that particular one is not "mine", but i do believe i will have it someday.

i do believe that all three were a lesson, a guide. bill was my first love. that will never change. but as with every first love, it was naive. and i remember the first breakup when i was away from him for the first time. i felt as if i could never feel the same for him and no one will ever make me feel loved to that caliber ever again. i was proven wrong. in three very different instances over the past four years, i've experienced love other than bill's. each was different from bill's, yet felt as good. it's an incredible feeling finally knowing that it is possible to find happiness and love without bill. it's a lonely barren place when you feel so hopeless without that special love in your life. and i thought i could never experience it again. but i still pose the question - why? why three different men? all of whom i was never meant to be with. why were they ever in my life? why have i had to go thru the heartache and bullshit with them? and after all three of them, i end up with bill again. and each time, our love and relationship gets stronger.

but i'm tired. i'm tired of the breaking up and making up. i need stability. i need committment. not from him. from myself. from my heart. all these years, and it's me who is the weak one. i can't commit. they always speak of the men who are the ones scared of committment, yet here i am admitting that i am guilty of it. i'm so scared to put my heart in 100%. that's so unfair to bill who has put nothing but 250% into this relationship and us. i just haven't been able to fully do it. what am i scared of? what do i have to lose? everything. i learned early never to give your heart completely. and i have my parents to thank for that. i hate to blame my shortcomings on my parents divorce, but this is an exception. i don't blame the divorce, but my parents as people. i loved them wholeheartedly, unconditionally. and they left and never looked back. i lost everything back then and i've gained it all back myself. i protect my heart with every ounce of my soul for it is all that i have, it is me. i want to give my heart to bill, i want to trust him with it. and you'd think that after over six years of going together, i'd be able to do it or that i've already done it. but i can't honestly say that i have. i don't want to be burned again. i want to be sure.

perhaps that's why i'm still searching. maybe that's why i did find three significant people in my life. if i hadn't felt the need to search, i would have never found and i would believe that bill is the one and only, my only soulmate. maybe it's just me finding out if this is for real, if this is what it seems to be. i have to be sure before i give my all. i want to be sure. i don't want to search....i don't want to wait for an answer that may never come. i want to love and be loved in return. a pure, true love that only exists in perfection. isn't that what every girl wants? if only it were possible...

i do believe i have found someone i can spend the rest of my life with. as with two of the other three. but for some reason, this is the one i'm with. not them. none of them were meant to be. but bill is so the opposite from all three of them. complete opposite. yet he loves me and makes my life so much happier. is this my destiny? is this my fate? i can't say for i don't believe in either. every person has the opportunity to change their life and make what they want. am i finished running from what i'm scared of? one of these days, i will run, turn around, and it won't be here any longer. what do i do then?

When does my "some day" begin?
When I'll find someone again.
What if I still am not truly over,
What am I supposed to do then?
You see what I'm saying, even if, if it's not making sense?

mood: pensivepensive
music: Babyface - When Can I See You
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bored much?  
03:51pm 08/07/2003
i hab too much time on my hands...seriously....

that's some ill shit tho. hahahaa. buttchunkalicious can kiss my brown ass. i give up. see the white flag? i'm done. i lose. yeah, amber, you win. fuckin bitch.

mood: boredbored
music: Bubba Sparxx - Deliverance
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good morning sunshine bear  
12:41pm 08/07/2003
Thug Bear
Thug Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

lolz. thug bear. fo shizzle. yawn. morning. don't really have anything profound to say. do i ever? yeah, didn't think so. food seems to be in my near future. so does more sleep. mmmmmm sleep. hopefully the get-together will be here tonight. good times, good times. good eye-candy. yummy. well,off to locate and consume some edibles...[oooh, not those "edibles" - maybe later...yes, later.] that would be very. hahaha, heathers. what a completely fucked up movie. but very. earns an 'a' in my book. christian slater was a total psycho in it. wouldn't say he was 'oof'-worthy by any means. no. not at all. now, eddie george... ;)

mood: relaxedrelaxed
music: G-Unit starring Lloyd Banks - What Goes Around
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[boyz II men montage]  
02:10am 08/07/2003
Remember the nights when we closed our eyes
And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time
Anytime I think about these things is shared with you
I break down and cry ‘cause I get so emotional

Can we go back to the days our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
The way they use to be

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
Cause sayin' how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people work things out
And some just don't know how to change

mood: melancholymelancholy
music: isn't it obvious?
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who wants a 'tweatsy'???  
12:54am 08/07/2003
wow. look who's home! it's amazing. totally unbelievable incredible. lolz. 4th of july rocked my sox. dinner at BUDDAKAN!!!!! yeah, i just said BUDDAKAN!!! amazing. i had scallops for appetizer and wasabi crusted filet mignon for dinner. good eats man..good eats. that place isn't the Best of Philly for nothing. then it was off to good old cherry hill hs west for fireworks. that was really great. it was nice to be back there again. [insert warm fuzzy feelings] bill's really trying hard...i should give it another chance...should, but the question is 'can i?'. saturday was great. went with allison, shanerboy and allison's friend lisa to D&B. shuffleboard or some sort of game like it. i sucked. hahaaha. then we tried to find debbie in the madness they call a game room. i did find a very attractive black man however. [am i just automatically drawn to extremely hot men of the chocolate persuasion??] come to find out it's eddie george of the titans. hello! yeah. he was nice enough to take a picture with the girls. what a cutie :) then it was a walk to debbie's boat. her family is super cool and i was so happy to have been invited. it was so awesome being on the 'private' side of penn's landing. i found navy sausage. i wanted navy sausage or so i thought. thank goodness i didn't end up meeting up with navy sausage later on that night. we all know where that would've ended up - hyatt room 917. and i don't want to be that girl. i'm not that desperate and pinot-deprived. altho he was uber super cute. wow. snaps for me - i still got it! hahaha.

i had a wonderful heart-to-heart with shane. he's such a great guy. basically got the low-down on the whole devon deal. it's quite interesting i must say. i feel good and bad about the whole thing. like, i feel like i have the one-up on her, but at the same time, it's like, u choose that over me?? apparently he can't control himself around me and that's partly why he doesn't chill with all of us, or at least me. i dunno...i just have no idea even what to think anymore. he's a hopeless lost cause. he'll do what he wants, whether it's the right decision or not. but i guess it's the right decision in his mind. i do wish him all the luck. but he's making a big mistake. i'm not even talking about choosing her over me, but just in general. fire school, his friends, his career - he's throwing it all away. for what? not a whole lot.

anyways, miraculously, he's all down for chillin over here tomorrow night. surprised the hell outta me. i'm not really sure what has caused this 'change of heart', but i'm curious. is it because shane left? or maybe shane told him he's crazy and he should hang out with me? or maybe he's giving in? hahaha. he wants it. yeah right. we'll see. [oooh pinay...he cannot deny] hahahaa

saw legally blonde 2 2nite with judes and allison. cute very cute. reese witherspoon is great. and i want a dog! lolz. not like it'll actually happen, but a girl can want. lolz. auntie alda is coming this weekend. zeah and kuya kevin are coming on wednesday to stay till sunday. i can't believe they're married. it's not them, but just the idea of marriage in general. i can't even concieve the thought of marriage right now. it's funny that a few years ago i could so see it in my near future with bill. and maybe it still could be with him, but not any time soon. where does zeah get her strength and courage? i'm so happy for her, that she has found her 'someone' and has devoted her life to him. will i be able to do that? i can't even do that with a boyfriend. there's always that nagging feeling of 'what else is out there'..'what am i missing'. at the same time, i can't believe that someone would have those feelings for me. i don't feel the urge or the desire to be married right now. it'd be nice to find that special someone. not necessarily to find love right away. but to meet and get to know and grow with. i'm ready for a new love interest. someone to hang out with, chill with, just have something nice with. to have that feeling of knowing someone else is crushin on me. it's a good feeling. i had it a few weeks ago...it's a shame it wasn't real or didn't have the chance to be. it could've been something nice.

still so behri behri conpused about billy boy. who knows where that is going? is it reaching it's dying days and we're still trying to keep it going? i feel as tho that's what's happening. we were actually happy for a week. what happened? now we're not talking. i can't take this up and down bullshit that just always happens with us. it's ridiculous. july 4th was great. he was everything i've wanted him to be and i think that he's wanted to be with me. he said all the right things, did all the right things - everything was just right for once. and i even began to see a future again. but then sunday just shot all that to hell. again, his anger and immaturity got the best of him. he doesn't kno how to handle stress and anger and he takes it out on me and says all the wrong things. never is anything his fault. always mine or someone elses. why can't he just take responsibility sometimes? grown ass man like him doesn't have any responsiblities. acts as if i'm just a burden to him. i don't want that. i'm not his charity case. i'm not his obligation. i love how he throws a fit everytime something doesn't go his way. a big hissy fit. i kno i love him with all of my heart, but my heart can only take so much. and i'm reaching my point where i can't much more. the potential is there, but is it worth the effort? my heart says yes, but my mind isn't so sure...

mood: sleepysleepy
music: boys II men - water runs dry
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hate is such a strong word  
10:05pm 30/06/2003
I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close
Not even a little bit
Not even at all

these are the days of our lives...AND THEY SUCK! ok, maybe not that bad. but they're pretty crappy. weekend was decent - shore on sat and just chillaxin poolside on sunday. got a new suit. it's pink :) of course. hehe. went to L.B.I. today with harry and the boys. it was nice to see him again and spend a little time with him. the boys are a handful - thank god they aren't mine. lolz. it's a little wierd when we're out and people look at us, assuming that we're a family and i'm the mom. the age difference is obvious between us. and the kids are so young. i can only imagine the things going thru peoples minds. hahaha. but it was nice being with him again. of course things aren't and won't be the same as last summer, but i think our relationship has grown into something i never would have imagined. he's like the father-figure/best bud mixed into one person. we have a great time together. the boys fell asleep for a couple of hours and i soaked in some sun next to them, so harry was able to have a little 'him' time. i feel bad that he doesn't get enough of it. and he really wants it and needs it. well i guess that's what happens when u have kids. [note to self: be very thankful u're kidless] [i am!]
speaking of kids...there was these kids at the pool today that i seriously would have drowned. ok, not drowned - that's wrong. beat the crap out of. that's better. such whiny, hyper, obnoxious children they were. and their parents just sat there not saying a word. like it was their own pool in their own backyard. so i'm tryin to unwind, chillax poolside, and these kids are running around, screaming and hollerin, hootin, crying, whining. there should be a law against parents who don't know how to control their children in public places. and there should be a law that allows complete strangers to put the smack down when the parents aren't. life at the pool would be so much nicer and calmer. and that's today's public service announcement. thank you.

so, despite a minor misunderstanding, me and my pionono are okay. i lub u swetphart! u are my nombear one top saging! prendz porehbear. yeah so i started this like 2 hrs ago and it was going somewhere...but i lost my train of thought. it'll come to me later.

to be continued...

mood: sleepysleepy
music: N'Sync - Gone
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what's my motivation  
04:30pm 17/06/2003
i lack any motivation. yet another day...everything has a place at this point, but problem is, things won't go themselves. like i'm supposed to put things away. geez..

hrmmm i'm fiendin for some pho. let's call judes and see if she's feelin it too...

maybe/maybe not. we'll see. gotta wait for rj to come home. anyhow. rest of the week is finally panning out.
wednesday: cable guy. go visit kurt.
thursday: nails w/judi. animal shelter. bill's.
friday: down the shore.

i should prolly call miss carlita. we needs to pow-wow over a few drinks. maybe tonight or tomorrow night...actually, could it be....i'm feelin like top dog tonight? hrmm...i think so. gotta remember to call cinnamon too...and then it's sunday :) woohoo. but then the work week finally starts. at least i think it does. boo. whatever, i've been a bum for the last week anyway. what i shoulda done is gone on vaca. that woulda been great. anyways, lemme go and actually put some ish away around here. or else i'm not going out...

mood: happyhappy
music: Nelly - RIde Wit Me
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things happen for a reason  
01:32pm 17/06/2003
yeah, so here i am an hour later...lolz. i'm such a dork. but i couldn't help myself. a song came on and all of a sudden there go the emotions, thoughts...i bought the howie day cd, on a recommendation from devon. he sang one of the songs to me in the car. i can't help but wonder what i'm getting myself into with devon. why after a week i feel like i could have something with him. and it's something so different than what bill and i had. why do i let a him have such an effect on me? is he really sincere in what he was saying before he left? all i can do is wait until he gets back. no use in stressing it while he's gone.
geez...i have so much to unpack still. blah. i gotta get it done today and tomorrow. and maybe leave the last of it until the weekend. argh. i'm so freakin lazy. aite. gonna go and actually do something. reeses pieces ;)

mood: lazylazy
music: Howie Day - She Says
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blah blah blah  
11:56am 17/06/2003
i think everything in my life can be associated with a song. at least i like to think that it can. it's like i hear a song, and i relate it to myself or something in my life...or the song reminds me of something in my life. i'm so freakin sappy. lolz. had a great time yesterday. the shore was a bust but judes and i had fun anyways.

hopefully friday will be a better day down there. warmer, sunnier. one can only hope. i need a tan, ya kno?!?!?! hahaha.

elise comes home this weekend. i was going to go up to syracuse, but she said she was coming home for dave's one year anniversary. i forgot. no, not really forgot, but maybe just didn't want to think about it...i can't believe it's been a year...i miss him. maybe i've been trying to tell myself it never happened and he's still here. who knows how i will be this weekend...why am i so afraid to cry for my friend? it still seems surreal. like it never really happened and i never had to say goodbye to dave. that was the first time i had ever been to a funeral. the first time i had ever seen someone in a casket...let alone someone so close to me. i still can't go to the diner. i know it was one of his favorite places, but it was the last place he and i were at together. he was so grateful that i had bought him lunch. and then a few days later he left for memphis. he had called that sunday too. just to say hello. how sweet was that. he missed me and he said he would be home tuesday night and we needed to chill when he got back. and then the next day, carla came to my work to tell me what had happened...
it just doesn't seem fair. why dave? young, intelligent, so much potential, caring...our dave. i really want to see elise, but i'm not looking forward to this weekend at all.

i'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain. it's so hard to say goodbye, but it's not forever. I miss you, Dave. Love you lots. *huggles*

David Volzone
March 22, 1983 - June 24, 2002
Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for making my life that much better.

Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Although the sun will never shine the same, I'll always look to a brighter day. And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven, like so many friends we've lost along the way. And I know eventually we'll be together one sweet day. Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say.

Friends are the most precious treasures one can posess. 1,000 acquaintances can never replace the love of one single friend. Choose them wisely. Hold them close to your heart. Love them forever.

by the way, devon finally called from portland. sounds like he's having a good time. will things still progress when he returns? we'll see...hope so. he's great. =) unless he's forgotten about me already...

mood: okayokay
music: n*sync - Gone
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It's the simplest things in life *.s.m.i.l.e.*  
12:53pm 26/12/2002

It's been a minute since I've been here...two months. It's amazing how much someone's life can change in such a short time. H is still around. He's as much a part of my life, if not even more than before. I thought this holiday week would be difficult, as we wouldn't see each other as much, or even at all. I thought he would detach himself from me, and when we would see each other again, he would act different, distant. But I was wrong. He misses me - as much as I miss him. He's called when he can, even stopped by briefly last night to say Merry Christmas. It's not love I feel..but a certain closeness, a bond. Maybe it's not love because I know it's not possible....but it doesn't feel like love. It's just happiness - a feeling I get only when I'm with him. At any rate, it was very nice seeing him last night and this morning, even if it's not just he and I. We'll go out sometime soon. Just gotta be patient...
and so the drama continues...the guys downstairs will be all moved in this weekend. this should be interesting. Too soon to call anything, but this could be good or bad...when it rains, it pours...
Christmas took on another meaning this year. It's very depressing knowing that all the Christmases I knew in previous years will never happen again. I hate the fact that the family is in such upheaval. That we are all apart this year. I miss them all. I wish we could all come together just for Christmas and be together That's all I really wanted for Christmas...My wish didn't come true this year, but I won't lose hope. I never will.
Isn't it amazing how a simple phone call or a smile from someone you care about can change your entire mood and fill you with such happiness? Thank you.

mood: thankfulthankful
music: All I Need - m.e.t.h.o.d. m.a.n.
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.oO Fridays are Heaven Oo.  
05:25pm 25/10/2002

Friday. Thank goodness. This may have been one of the longest weeks of my life...Okay, no, the longest two weeks. sigh. Must go and unwind. Then I'll come back.

mood: relievedrelieved
music: Big Tymers - Oh Yeah
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(no subject)  
04:54pm 20/10/2002

blah blah blah. I kinda wish I didn't have to work today. Had a great time last night @ the 5 Spot. I really needed to get out and have a good time. The time with H is slowly ending. After next Tuesday, who knows when I'll see him again. wow. It makes me very sad. Does that surprise me? Or anyone else for that matter? No. But I did that to myself. I let it get this far. I let myself grow closer to him. It's amazing that we feel so close to each other and have become such a big part of each other's lives, yet THAT line was never crossed. Thankfully, it wasn't.

who knows what this change will bring...we've said before that things would be different when she was home from work, but somehow, still found the time to see each other. Then he had both boys, yet we still managed to make it work out somehow. And now? what now? Will he adapt? Make that effort to see me when he can? I don't see how he possible could, but at the same time, we're too close now to just let it all go. He's become so close to my heart. But sometimes you have to learn to let go, right? Well, I don't want to. Not just yet. And something tells me, neither does he.

mood: sleepysleepy
music: Oh Yeah - Big Tymers
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(no subject)  
02:00pm 14/10/2002
monday...*sigh*. it always seems to come back around. lolz. despite the rainy depressing weather, i had a pretty decent weekend. carla and i were up at TopDog on Friday night, where we learned that some boys just have no social skills what so ever. hahaha. We still had a pretty decent time tho. Saturday I went into work for a whole 3 hours. Whoa there. Lolz. I'm not sure what Kelly was thinking when she made up that schedule...for the rest of the day and all day Sunday, I worked on the apartment. And I must say, the place looks damn good. Better than ever. What's that? Party at Kris'? lolz. We'll see...I'm gettin too old to be throwin house parties. hahaha.
So on a side note, I GOT THE JOB @ CENTEX!! wow. I think I impressed myself. haha. It's a whole lot more money than I make now. And there's so much room to move up. I think this is the right move. No, I know it is. Right? Right. I was hoping to tell Harry about it, face to face, but didn't get the chance. He asked me about it yesterday. And I couldn't exactly say I hadn't heard yet. So I told him. I detected something in his voice that I didn't like...because we both know that this means for us. We won't be seeing each other at all. Unless he's out at night sometimes...which lately, hasn't happened much. I know we'll talk on the phone when he's at work, but it won't be the same. Is this where it all ends? Is this when we say goodbye to each other and move on with our lives? In my mind I know it's the right thing and that it should happen, but there's that part of me that doesn't want it to happen...I'll miss him. And that's what I was afraid of. Even more, I know it's the same for him. He made some comment to the effect of "well, it was bound to happen, i have to pay attention to my priorities anyway". That pissed me off. He says things like that every once in awhile. Like it's all my fault whatever this is between us exists. Maybe that's his way to rationalize in his head. His way to push me away before I get hurt...But i have to walk away soon. I have to protect me. As much as I don't want him out of my life...it has to happen. But why does it hurt so much? I know I'm not in love with this man...and I have plenty of other things to pay attention to in my life - family, me, and my career. So why do I waste my time with something that exists in the state that it's in, but will never become anything more?
mood: confusedconfused
music: Sitting At Home - Total
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